Tens of thousands Apple fans across the country waited in line for hours to purchase the company’s latest product, a turd in a shoe. In a stunning example of the mindless consumerism that grasps fans of the company, users snatched up every feces filled piece of footwear in every Apple store across the country within hours of opening.
The new Turd In A Shoe is a departure for Apple, known for their consumer electronics such as the iPhone, iPad, and iSpeculum. The Apple Turd in a Shoe is exactly that, a piece of human feces in a brown loafer, branded with the Apple logo.
“I mean just look at it,” said customer Ellie Scheisshosen, “it just screams and smells Apple, they’ve thought of everything. This is so much better than any other company’s sewage-filled footwear.”
Apple colon engineers reportedly have been working in secret for years to perfect the diet fed to their manufacturing employees in China. Special attention had to be placed on texture, consistency, and aroma.
Apple engineer Betty Deuce spoke with the Maine Gazette by phone, “we couldn’t abide liquid stool, as it wouldn’t create the aesthetic our industrial designers were going for. We had to create special packaging to insure the freshness was maintained through import. One of our key innovations was a special temperature pod which kept the dookie at body temperature from the moment it left the anus of our line worker until we get it into the hands of the consumer.”
Apple stock rose an impressive 25% today, once investors realized that people will literally buy any shit the company sells with their logo on it.