LEWISTON — In a stunning slim [ha ha] victory over a dead guy, the city of Lewiston, Maine (stabbyest city in Maine) elects enraged, corpulent candidate Bob MacDonald. Despite his obvious dietary predilection, MacDonald has no relationship with the actual restaurant McDonald’s.
On Tuesday, the bulbous bad boy was quick to attack rival dead-guy supporters by threatening a surprise to come which didn’t involve the candy hidden in his fat folds.
By Thursday, things were different with the roly-poly and riled mayor-elect. It seems the choleric chubster wanted to issue something of an apology, not for borderline racist remarks he had made, but for single-handedly devouring all of the snacks at his victory party.
Locals took the apology by the multi-chinned madman as confusing, but appropriate.
“Holy crap, this freaking dude almost got beaten by a dead guy? Yeah, I’d be pissed too!” said local fishmonger Craft Macaroni.
“When I look at this guy, I just can’t help think about the gigantic nature and shape his bowel movements must be,” responded Bates College political science professor Jason G. Grunt, “I mean, if you just look at his girth and imagine the fecal matter that must by emitted by that enormous extruder he calls an ass – it boggles the mind.”
Supporters of the galled gargantuan gruff-guy simple point out that probably someone with borderline personality disorder might make a better mayor than somebody currently at room temperature.