Augusta – Maine commuters better plan on a good butt slamming, as the MTA voted on August 16th to increase tolls for some commuters as much as 300%. To further insure the destruction of Maine’s valuable tourist industry, Kittery tolls will be increased by 50%. Changes go into effect on November 1st.
But, just what the hell are these toll increases for? Former director, Paul Violette, has already been sentenced for virtually firing MTA paid-for gift-cards out of his butthole like a gatling gun.
To understand more about how the turnpike intends to give Mainers the high hard one, we spoke with Bruce Van Note, Deputy Commissioner of the Maine DOT:
Maine Gazette: Mr. Van Note, nice socks. Why are these toll increases necessary?
Van Note: Essentially we have a lot of debt we need to pay for, and some bridge repairs, but the bulk of the money is earmarked for certain advanced technology initiatives.
MG: Can you give our readers an example of one of these tech initiatives?
Van Note: Certainly. We recently installed a new high-powered strobe at the New Gloucester tolls. This is designed to blind drivers at night when they pass through the EZ-Pass lane. This is working well, but we fell we can get a more permanent blindness if we install lasers. Lasers cost. And we’d like them to go, “PEW PEW” when they fire.
MG: That seems kind of dangerous, what’s the point of blinding drivers of moving vehicles?
Van Note: It’s advanced technology, hey, I think I have a leftover gift card for Cracker Barrel in South Portland here. You want it? They make a mean chicken-fried steak.
In a further development, Cracker Barrel has excellent corn bread.