Myrtle Beach, SC — Mitt Romney’s campaign today has released a bold new plan to bring America to total energy independence by 2014. The Republican presidential contender is the only candidate to make such a proposition and to put forth a plan.
“Energy independence means the US will not have to rely on the volatility of foreign oil, or market fluctuations. This will provide a boom to the American economy and provide for our national security,” said Dick Swagger, a spokesperson from the Romney campaign.
The plan revolves around two unusual new sources of untapped energy – Mitt Romney’s teeth and hair.
“The plan takes a two pronged approach to replace the energy we get from foreign oil,” said Sparky McDynamo, Romney energy advisor, “the first is the super-concentrated supply of highly combustible oils that have been collecting in the Governor’s hair for decades. I mean, you don’t think that sheen just comes from nowhere right?”
The second half of the candidate’s plan is to capture photovoltaic energy reflected from his highly polished teeth.
Harvard University Dental School professor Don Moalir explains how this is possible, “Mitt Romney’s teeth act like 50 little focusing mirrors, polished to a highly reflective surface, which are able to direct a focused beam of photonic energy which can be harvested by advanced solar cells to produce electricity.”
The former governor’s teeth, unstained by peasant food, are able to produce electricity equivalent to 12 Hoover Dams.
This announcement comes as GOP candidates jockey for position in the South Carolina primaries.