Washington — Not satisfied with touching airline passengers’ junk, taking nude photos of them, and confiscating their cupcakes, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has announced that they will be screening for the latest threat to your life – karate. At issue is the potential terrorist threat from martial arts trained agents.
“Sure we still miss all kinds of test weapons and explosives coming though, and we sill love touching genitals all day, but we have reliable intelligence that the terrorists are learning karate.” said John S. Pistole – the TSA’s Administrator. He went on, “Chop, chop, chop, those little monkey bastards could take down a plane with that mad action.”
The TSA has come under some scrutiny because of their invasive searches, and because they have never actually caught a terrorist. Any weapons they have actually found would have been caught by the pre 9-11 metal detectors. Despite this, the TSA has spent billions of dollars on backscatter x-rays which might be giving agents ball-cancer, and which can’t see Semtex lodged in anal cavities.
But how will the TSA detect karate?
Former head of Homeland Security Michael “massive jerkoff” Chertoff, who made millions when he ordered the TSAs porno-scanners and then went to work for the manufacturer, has the answer: “The Chertoff group represents a new Haliburton subsidiary called Karatech. They have manufactured a karate detector which we will sell to the American taxpayer for $11 million each. If you know karate, and you try to get on plane – we’re going to GITMO your ass.”
Exact details of how the karate detector works are classified. However, leaked documents reveal that part of the device includes a plastic handle which holds a brick which is swung at the passengers skull. If the brick breaks without concussion, the test is positive for karate. Passengers with massive head-wounds will be allowed to board as usual, after the normal jellyfingers tickle-down.